Fiction Friday – Kill Al

‘No officer, if i’da killed Al, would I be sitting here in this bar having a martini?’

Well truth be told, that’s exactly what I was doing.  Some people just need killin’ and Al was one of them.

Two hours earlier

‘Damnit Earl it’s about time you got here.  Something is wrong with the camera on the left corner of the house.  It has been down two hours.  You know that means God only knows what is going on in that house!’

‘Calm down Al, i’ll have a look see and fix it right up for you.  You know,  if it wasn’t  for you we wouldn’t have any idea about all the shit going on round here.’

‘well no good comes from people when they aren’t held accountable to the rules.’

I let out a gruff sigh.  ‘Stay here, give me a shout if you get see anything on the screen, ok?’


It took me only a minute to diagnosis the problem.  A squirrel.   He had chewed though the video cable.   In ten minutes I had replaced the cable. I couldn’t resist the urge to stick  my tongue out at the camera.
‘Knock that off’  Al yelled to me.

‘Look alright?’ I asked as I walked back into the room.

‘yeah mate, thanks.  Now I can keep an eye on number 37.’

‘That’s your problem Al, your so damn nosy’.  I shoved the knife between his shoulder blades.

He whirled to face me. ‘ What.’

I took a step back, he came at me.    ‘If this was tv, you would be dead’ I spluttered.

‘well mate this ain’t tv’  he reached for the telephone.

In a panic I grabbed the desk lamp and swung with all my might.  I only landed a glancing blow.  ‘Damn’ I swung again and again and again.

Al fell to the floor, the blood pouring from his head.  I gave him one more bash on his forehead for safety’s sake.

I answered the buzz of my mobile. ‘Hello Janet.  Go ahead and call the realtor tomorrow,  this is a great neighborhood to live in now.’


8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Annie
    Sep 03, 2010 @ 08:14:21

    Welcome to Friday Fiction! thanks for submitting your first draft here – and allowing others to read and give you Constructive Crit.

    I love a good twist and yours made me smile! I liked the way you separated the stories and linked them – this would certainly be an engaging tale when you re-edit it. ( not that it isn’t already!)

    Albert gets ‘his’ in mine – but not sure by who….


  2. John Pender
    Sep 03, 2010 @ 11:16:22

    Welcome to Fiction Friday!
    Your writing isn’t bad, just needs a little structure. The story was easy to follow and the characters were easy to imagine.
    Hope to see you back next week.


  3. laurarachelfox
    Sep 03, 2010 @ 12:25:21

    Clever twist at the end. The dialog is natural. I liked Earl sticking his tongue out at the camera. A very “real” action.



  4. Jason Coggins
    Sep 03, 2010 @ 16:03:39

    Welcome to the Friday Fiction gang. Short and sweet is the way to execute web-fiction and that’s what you did here. Talking of executions …. what a brutal demise for our Albert!


  5. Eileen Andrews
    Sep 03, 2010 @ 18:38:54

    I like the twist at the end, it made the murder more original.
    Welcome to Fiction Friday!


  6. Shelli
    Sep 04, 2010 @ 14:04:14

    I liked the opening scene at the bar. I think I would have liked to see a little more behind Earl’s motivation. Otherwise, I think you’ve done a good job!


  7. keiths ramblings
    Sep 04, 2010 @ 14:34:52

    Interesting. Your writing is very visual and the ending was a delight.


  8. newtowritinggirl
    Sep 15, 2010 @ 06:24:08

    Great twist. I’ve got an image in my head now of him walking about with a knife sticking out his back. Ugh!


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